BOOK NOTES
As long-time subscribers know, Jim has written ‘Book Notes’ for years, parsing out pertinent pieces of information for thousands of leaders. His notes were never intended to replace reading a book, but to provide a flavor for why you should. Whether it’s applying proven research points or offering a story to introduce a new idea, Jim has taken key points from his readings to offer notes relevant to today’s education, business, or public sector leaders.
May 2025
Greetings! May is a month of graduation celebrations! When those kids who just yesterday were so small now seem to be taking their place as adults! We applaud their success and hope that our contributions as parents, other family members, teachers, coaches, bosses, mentors, etc. have contributed to their growth. I also heard a speaker at a conference earlier this month about student directed learning who co-authored a book entitled “The Self-Driven Child.” Both of these things influenced my decision to include this book this month. Being a parent is certainly one of the most challenging roles in life. The paradox is that by the time you learn enough to do it well, you are probably unemployed.
This book is chock full of practical approaches, questions and answers, and case study stories to enlighten any person who simply wants to help young people grow and become. It’s a resource backed with research and science suggesting ways to give kids a greater sense of control in their own lives and help them to find their own successful paths. It offers concrete ideas to help kids grow happier, less stressed, and more likely to adeptly navigate life and flourish. Have a great summer and enjoy. ~Jim
The authors question at the outset what most parents want for their children: how do we help them find their own inner drive and make the most of their potential? What they discovered from science is that a low sense of control is hugely stressful and that autonomy is a key to developing motivation for kids. To help them achieve that potential they begin with four FALSE assumptions:
(1) There is a narrow path to student success
(2) It’s critical to do well in school if you want to do well in life
(3) Pushing more will lead children to becoming more accomplished and successful adults
(4) The world is more dangerous, and kids need constant supervision to keep from being hurt or making bad decisions
The authors begin by asserting with evidence that chronic stress has been building over generations and the successful antidote is sense of control. Study after study has revealed that a healthy sense of control accompanies nearly all the positive outcomes we want for children. Our job as adults is to help them figure out the skills they need to develop and a track that’s right for them.
Not all stress is bad. Positive stress helps kids and adults grow, take risks, and perform at high levels. Tolerable stress can help build resilience. But toxic stress—prolonged activation of the stress system without support is damaging. Chronically stressed kids routinely have their brains flooded with hormones that dull higher brain functions and stunt emotional responses. Kids between the ages 12-18 show more brain development than at any other time in life other than their first years.
To give your kids a greater sense of control, many adults need to let go of some themselves. Your job is not to solve your kid’s problems but to help them learn to run their own lives. It’s why fighting about homework is so counterproductive. The best we can do is make something, so unpleasant kids comply. So, parents ask, “we should just let them fail?” It’s not about being too autocratic or too permissive.
Child development experts suggest authoritative parenting, being supportive but not controlling. This approach emphasizes self-direction. It’s not giving free rein but sends the message I will do whatever to help you be successful but not forcing you to do things because I say so. Teachers teach, coaches coach but parents only can do this: love kids unconditionally and provide them with a safe base at home.
IT’S YOUR CALL
Let’s start with what this phrase doesn’t mean. Kids don’t call all the shots at home. It doesn’t conflict with limit setting. Laissez-faire parenting doesn’t work well because kids find it stressful to do something they aren’t prepared to do yet. It’s your call means, according to the authors, that when it comes to making decisions about your child’s lives, you should not be deciding things kids can decide for themselves. Science supports this assertion. It’s why free choice time with preschoolers works. Or letting toddlers choose between two outfits.
Of course, parents will override kids if the choice appears crazy or uninformed. The truth is that most kids won’t continually make poor decisions for themselves. They want their life to work too. Stress is contagious. Some kids are “dandelion children”….unaffected by their environment. Others are “orchid kids”… those with high sensitivity to their environment. The latter flourish when parenting is calm and nurturing. The truth is you can’t hide your own anxiety from your kids. The authors advise being a non-anxious presence for your kids. Enjoying them is one of the best things you can do for them and yourself.
Psychology and neuroscience both support the following recipe to “make motivation” for kids. This recipe is all part of the keys to motivation—self-determination theory. The key ingredients include having (1) the right mindset (2) autonomy, competency, and relatedness (3) optimal level of dopamine (4) flow.
The growth mindset is the MVP of the self-motivated child. It offers a kid a sense of control as they believe it’s in their effort that helps with success. It’s why the renowned psychologist who coined the term growth mindset suggests parents praise effort and strategies to solve problems, not just your smartness. Think also of a three-legged stool to promote motivation. Competence, having some control over your choices, and being cared about all contribute to motivation. The brain’s reward system is fueled by dopamine which energizes it and happens when what you are doing is cool. It’s when parents encourage kids to work hard at something they love. When you are fully engaged in it, that’s “flow.” This last ingredient is the secret sauce in motivation.
What motivates one child will not necessarily motivate another one. It’s also why productivity gurus encourage people to visualize success or write down your goals as a way of keeping you going for the long run. If a kid isn’t motivated by school, they aren’t motivated by it. Researchers have been following career trajectories of high school graduates for decades. Among students with similar SAT scores, for example, whether they went to an elite university mattered little with earning potential. The factors that best predicted workplace engagement and well-being had more to do with the college experience itself. Did they have someone like a professor who showed personal interest in them? Have an internship that allowed them to apply what they were learning? Involved in some sort of extracurricular activity? These factors matter much more than where you attended college.
FINAL PIECES
Meditation, practicing mindfulness, and getting enough sleep have great benefits to learning. You need downtime! Sleep deprivation is a form of chronic stress.
Ironically, every year kids attend school, their sense of control is lowered. Autonomy decreases from lots of free time in early grades to getting permission to use the restroom later. By high school, kids are often defined by grades, test scores, and college admissions. We know engaged learners are motivated by teachers they are connected to, ones who give them choices, and emphasize that kids are responsible for their own education. The teacher’s goal is to inspire, not require.
Be careful of technology because it appears the more you rely on it, the poorer your self-regulation and worse executive functions. Technology offers a host of ups and downs for kids, but the authors stand by their emphasis on “it’s your call” to the kid. Autonomy. Autonomy. Autonomy.
Quoting an old aphorism that seems to be true: “Practice like you’ll play so you can play like you’ve practiced.” As a parent, the authors advise—you can’t make all your kid’s disappointment and pressure go away, but you can start planting ideas that there are alternative routes to success and well-being.
Lastly, kids need to feel loved. Trusted. Supported. Capable.
Publisher: Penguin House, New York City, NY, 2019